The Homeschool Journey

Follow Up to Teens and Texting

Thank you to all who responded to my earlier blog on Teens and Texting. I think this is a huge topic - one which I will return to again and again. And if you haven't responded to my original blog entry, I encourage you to add your voice now!

 

My main concern is that parents think through the whole issue of how their children's lives - how their families' lives - will be affected by use of technology such as cell phones by their children. And it is no good thinking about it after the fact!

 

And this also means pre-empting generous inlaws and others from giving cell phones and similar machines to your children. You need to think it through and you and your spouse need to be on the same page with this. A friend of mine thought she was on top of this one - delayed cell phone use in her eldest son and daughter until they were 16 and 14 and in high school. Well, she sent dearest husband out to the store to buy the phones - and guess what? There was a great offer of three phones for the price of two which he couldn't pass up. So the twelve year old also was presented with a phone - which has been a huge problem in that particular family.

 

I've been amused recently to hear a song playing on the radio by Lady Gaga - not someone I really thought I'd have positive things to say about in the context of this blog or my work....! She has a new song called Telephone and it's basically about her telling her friends (or whoever they are) to stop calling her while she's out having fun dancing at a club! OK - so there's a line about not thinking and leaving one's head on the dance floor which I will pretend to ignore - simply because I am so overjoyed at the idea of someone like her who, like it or not, is looked up to by millions of teens across the globe, setting a limit on cell phone use! Yes - while out having fun one should not allow oneself to be constantly interrupted. So a little bit of a "yay" for Lady Gaga (a very little bit....)

 

Then we have the following article from The New York Times entitled If Your Kids are Awake, They're Probably Online. Well, that just about sums it up for an awful large segment of the population, doesn't it?

 

So think about it. Really carefully. And think about your own use of a cell phone (if you have one - I refuse to own one as I have no desire to be on call all the time - if I'm away from the land line, then people can just leave a message). Think about how your children see you use yours. Are you truly present for them and for other people? Can you create boundaries for yourself and let your children see that? Are you overly reliant on the phone or can you figure things out yourself  - while we're at it, do you use a GPS device or can you use your own memory, and common sense to find things? I can remember being on a bus ride with my sons and husband a couple of years ago - the GPS unit on the bus malfunctioned and the driver was completely lost. It took my husband (who is English and has never been to that part of this country before) to use his own sense for direction, landmarks and common sense to help the driver find our destination. My sons were very impressed by this.

 

So...technology is good - absolutely! But it need to be mastered by us - and not be our master. And children - even teens - are not yet in the stage of life when they can truly master such things.

The Child and the Community

Here is an article by Christopherus forum moderator, workshop presenter and consultant Barbara Benson about her experience as a homeschooler encouraging her older children to expand their horizons into the larger community, something that anyone homeschooling older children must do. While over scheduling and endangering the steadinesss of the home is never a good idea, it is certainly imperative that older children - from about 11 or 12 and up - also take classes in the larger community, volunteer, have jobs and generally learn to regard education as something that comes from a rich variety of experiences in the world (though not all at the same time!!). This is one of the best things about homeschooling!

As our children grow, they naturally begin to reach beyond the family and into the world around them. It begins with  friendships  and social outings and  gradually the child expands out into the greater community. Children eventually get involved in sports, art/music  lessons or organizations like 4 H or Scouts. Sometimes it can be hard on parents when their new 12  year old seems restless and impatient for more independent relationships outside the home, but it is a natural occurrence. It is important  that parents gently support and assist their children in testing their “flight  feathers” in the community at large. Here are some tips from my experiences with my three sons who have now left the nest.

In my opinion volunteer service in the community is one of the best ways for children in late middle school ( 8^th or 9^th grade) to begin connect with the world around them. Two of my sons worked as volunteers in the Children’s Department of our local library in grade 8. One of them  also had the fun job of making the art display shelves outside the library preschool play room. One of my sons who enjoyed history worked in the office and then at the front desk at our local history museum. He was their youngest volunteer and all those ladies in the office loved him. I think that the median volunteer age there was 65! As my sons got into their high school years they volunteered at places like Habitat for Humanity, a local music store , Big Brothers, Big Sisters, and a local music club for teens. Each of them earned a Presidential Service Award and one of them went on to volunteer a lot and earned the gold medal level of the Congressional Award. Obviously these things looked good on a resume for college, but more important, each of the boys learned how to serve the community, appreciate the differences and similarities in life situations of people, and learned skills that helped them prepare for later paid employment.

Another thing that I highly recommend is that homeschoolers network with others to form academic and social co-ops for learning and fun. My sons enjoyed a Teen Book Club and took part in two musicals, both of which were written entirely by the students. One of my sons made a huge backdrop for the musical and helped run the lights, another was a lead actor and the oldest was the pianist/composer.  I  taught several academic coops and when my boys were high school age they took several classes at the local high school and eventually at the local university. The homeschooled teens’ parents networked with each other to create fun field trips and support worthwhile social opportunities. One of my sons decided to go to high school full time for a semester in order to win a varsity letter in Tennis which he did.

As children grow into young teens, it is important that they develop real skills so that they can feel more confident in the world around them. One of my sons was a skilled outdoorsman and hiker. Another learned to build his own computer with a college  tutor and another took on tennis lessons and a weight lifting program with a personal trainer in order to reach certain goals.  Help your children identify their interests and then get them out there in the community, honing their skills- things like First Aid certification, baby sitting certification, 4H participation are just a few examples. Sometimes it takes patience and attention to help “draw out” of  children what they seem to be looking for in the way of community involvement but it is always worth the effort.  As we as parents learn to let our children “fly” out beyond the home we begin to see the real meaning of what it means to educate our children to be both free and responsible human beings.

 

 

 

The Real Thing

The following article was written by Lisa Marshall, one of our Christopherus consultants and forum moderators. I love what Lisa writes because it is so true! We adults are always succumbing to the temptation to impose our own agendas onto our children - even when we think we are responding to their needs. This is why I always caution parents to "listen into and behind" what their children say. Little ones (and the younger they are the more this is so) are often still experimenting with words and with communication. They are not able to live into the consequences of what they say (or do). And so we adults must, with open hearts and minds, learn to translate what they say and do. This is where the "child led" or "child centered" folks often fail. They think that what children say is what children want. This is not always the case - even when they are teens. Children need guidance to figure out their needs - and this is a long path that needs the wholehearted participation of a loving parent to navigate. It certainly changes as the child grows - and older children and teens need to be challenged to make themselves understood. But this is a long, long process.

The other reason I love this article is because I actually have a similar memory. I was about 8 at the time and I was having a great time - like Lisa - messing around in the kitchen, mixing all sorts of things in a bowl. My babysitter came in and - with what I am sure was the best of intentions - swept away what I was doing and proceeded to help me make a real cake. I can clearly remember the deflated feeling as I watched her and refused her friendly offers to assist. I didn't want to make a cake - I wanted to do what I was doing.

Another place where we adults can inappropriately intrude on our children's free imaginative forces is when they show us something they've drawn or made. Many parents want to analyse what they see or grill their child, expecting coherent and logical explanations of what they have made. But this assumes that all that the child has been imagining is contained within the boundaries of the page. It is far better to say what you see "Ah - there's a lot of dark, dark blue in that picture" thus opening up the possibility for the child to share a bit of what he's done. Or not. It is his picture, after all and his call whether he wants to share his imaginings or keep them to himself.

 

One day, when I was a little girl I was merrily pretending to bake a chocolate cake.  My uncle, with the very best of intentions, went out and bought a real chocolate cake for all of us to share.  I was not a child given to drama or emotional displays but this cut me to the quick.  I broke into tears and just sobbed.  I felt so betrayed and misunderstood.  I was inconsolable and refused even to taste the real cake (which was a big deal because we seldom had sweets).  But he had not understood that it was supposed to be a pretend cake, the pretend cake was all I wanted.  By getting a real cake, he had ruined my imaginative game. 

Now I am a Mother and I constantly see parents making the mistake of making real their children’s pretend play.  Just because a little girl loves to play with her toy horses doesn’t mean it is time for riding lessons.  Running around with a hobby horse between your legs is a far cry from sitting of the back of a live animal.  Often parents end up confused and even angry with their children.  “She loves horses; she told me she wanted lessons.  I can’t believe I spent all that money on riding boots and now she doesn’t want to go anymore”. 

Just recently I made a similar mistake with my seven year old.  Charlie loves sports and sports equipment of any kind.  When we moved to NY he started talking about hockey constantly.  He started playing “hockey” every day on the deck wearing roller skates and using a golf club for a hockey stick and a tennis ball for a puck.  He drew the goal with chalk and used my patio furniture cushions to mark the “rink”.  For his birthday he asked his best friend at school to get him a hockey stick and puck and asked us for skates.  Then he waited impatiently for our pond to freeze.  Charlie is an incredible athlete.  His first time skating and he was whizzing around the ice with his stick and puck.  He dragged his soccer net down to the pond so as to have a goal.  Every day he talked about hockey and played “hockey” by himself as happy as a clam.    

We weren’t about to sign him up for the hockey team but during Christmas break we thought we’d take him to a real hockey game for a special treat.  What were we thinking???  He was so excited to go but his excitement turned to dread within minutes of getting to the rink.  The place was so loud, there were all these strobe lights flashing, warning announcements of the injuries that could be caused by the puck.  His eyes got wide and he said, half to himself, half to me, “Maybe I don’t want to go to a hockey game”.  The game itself was o.k.  He enjoyed the skating and it was much quieter during actual play.  But every time a goal was scored, the noise was overpowering.  At the end the fighting started, it seems it is staged especially for the crowd.  Charlie cried and put his fingers in his ears and even my girls who are 10 and 12 were terribly upset.  After this fiasco it took Charlie a while to find his happy way back to his pretend hockey games on the pond and on the deck.  He has recovered now but boy did I learn my lesson; Charlie was happy with his version of hockey, he didn’t need to experience the real thing

The Peace of Mary

This year for the first time I was able to participate in the celebration of Epiphany at my Church (The Christian Community - the Church inspired by the work of Rudolf Steiner). I was privileged to participate in the most beautiful children's festival I have ever been a part of. I would like to tell you about this.

In front of the altar, we built a "mountain" of chairs. This was covered by brown and white cloths and lengths of ivy were strewn here and there on it. To the rear of the mountain there was a shallow grotto. On its shelf was placed a picture of Mary and in front of her a number of votive (nightlight) candles and several large minerals, such as rose quartz and amethyst. On one side the censer hung, filled with charcoal, ready for incense.

The room was darkened, lit only by candles and a few dimmed lights. A member of the congregation played quiet Epiphany carols on the piano and the families were let in, the chairs of the sanctuary arranged in a semi circle before the mountain. From where they were sitting, those assembled could not see the grotto or what was within.

Then there was a loud knock at the door - it was opened and in walked the Three Kings, bearing their gifts, singing majestically and in beautiful harmony.  An angel appeared and they followed the star she carried. The kings spoke of their quest and their journey and then laid their gifts before Mary. Then they stood to one side, leaving a space between themselves and the grotto where Mary gazed out.

The angel went to the families assembled and, taking three children at a time, led them to a table where she solemnly placed a crown on each child's head. Then she slowly led them around the mountain to where they paused before the grotto. They stood for a moment in silence. Then the angel took some incense from the gift given by the King and placed a few grains into each child's hand. Then in turn each child carefully - so carefully - sprinkled the incense into the censor. The smoke and scent filled the room. Then the angel slowly led the children back to the table, removed their crowns and the children quietly returned to their seats as the angel took the next three on their journey. Not a word was spoken the whole time.

I had the good fortune to be sitting closest of anyone to the grotto. I had the best view in that I could see every child's face completely. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I watched children from barely 2 to over 12 walk reverentially and carefully with the angel. There was no messing around. There was no whispering. There was nothing but the most blessed reverence and awe as each child looked deeply into the picture of Mary and each child carefully offered his or her gift. Not one of them even looked at the kings who stood not more than 3 feet away. Their eyes - and hearts - were completely and utterly focused on Mary. Even those children who had done this several times before over the years gave no indication whatsoever that this was anything but the most Holy, most sacred thing that they were doing. There was no "oh not this again." A true ritual, a true act of reverence, rings true every time it is done, and never becomes stale.

The peace in the room was absolute. The adults and those older children who did not go up sang or hummed quietly along with the piano. There were a few breaks in the singing - no directions, questions, whispering - not even fidgeting! - broke the peace in the room.

When all the children had gone up, the angel departed. Then the kings sang again, traveled around the room and left. They continued to sing as they walked out through the vestry and into the main part of the Church - there was absolute stillness in the sanctuary as everyone listened to their strong beautiful voices fade into the distance.

Then our priest spoke a few words and everyone left quietly, peacefully. How blessed those children and families were to begin the New Year with  such a gift! How rare it is for children - and adults - to be able to experience such a spirit-affirming and uplifting act.

A member of the congregation protested that the way the mountain was set up meant that the parents could not see Mary. But the priest who was organizing the festival said that if the parents could see Mary, many would say to their children something like "So - did you see Mary?" or similar. But if they did not know what the children saw, they could then just receive what the children might - or might not - share. And as children (especially the very young) see far more than adults do, they might have something very special indeed to share with their parents.

Teens and Texting

Beware! My goodness - how those innocent looking little machines can take over one's life! This is a plea for parents to think very, very carefully before getting their teenager a cell phone. As for those parents contemplating getting one for any child younger than 14....well, I just think that such a move is a major mistake.

My sons are 16 and 18 and both have had their cell phones for less than a year. My eldest has a plan whereby he only uses his phone to text and cannot call out - he can only receive calls. He uses it to text - but only from time to time as he arranges to meet up with friends. This seems an entirely sensible and healthy relationship to a cell phone. He plays no games on it, watches no movies - has no "apps" to do a million things to keep him distracted from real life. For him in the living situation he has,  his cell is a necessity as he has no land line. And he uses it like a necessity, like a useful modern tool. He does not live his life with it plastered to his ear or frantically gripped between his hands, feverishly texting.

My younger son got a cell phone at 16. At first he also only used it to set up meetings with friends and to get calls from his father and I. But then....a girlfriend appeared and suddenly texting became a major part of his life. Now he was in a totally different realm of communication and expectations. One evening he later counted that his girlfriend and he had texted each other over 80 times. Conversations with him would be interrupted by the phone's insistent buzz; he'd be sitting quietly reading and suddenly he'd get a text - which, due to the nature of the beast, HAS to be answered right then and there. One night I went into his room late to get something and there he was asleep - with his cell phone on and next to his head on his pillow!

The next morning I of course challenged him - he knows about the health risks of cell phones - he has already experienced how ill he feels at night if he leaves his WiFi connection on so he respects the ill effects of electricity. But...."she" was going through a hard time and might need him. In the middle of the night? I asked. Yes, was the mournful reply. Tough, I said. Cell phones on pillows get confiscated - and that's that, even if you are 16 and paid for the thing yourself. This is about health and there's no two ways about it. He agreed.

We had a long discussion and I urge you to consider some of these points with regard to your children and teens (and all feedback to this blog article is heartily welcome!). What does it mean to be always on call for someone? Where is the space to reflect and to have time apart? What does it do to one's powers of concentration and to one's inner peace if one constantly allows oneself to be interrupted by outside distractions such as a call or a text? Is communication by text the right way to share deep feelings and personal information? What is the difference between talking to someone face to face - or even hearing their voice on the phone - and via a text? Does it truly help someone who is experiencing the difficulties of life to be able to constantly be in contact with someone else - could this not distract that person from looking inward for the strength and wisdom to sort out her problems?

We actually have had many such conversations - and with my support Gabriel's own inner sensibleness has asserted itself and he has curbed his cell phone use. And, even when he is not able to do this, he is able to think about what he is doing and to become increasingly aware of the unhealthiness of cell phone-dependence. For both of my sons, nothing makes them sit up and take notice more than the realization that something is a hindrance on their inner freedom and autonomy - and they both see clearly through the illusion of independence that technology such as cell phones provide (and obviously there are situation where cell phones are useful as with my eldest son. I am not a Luddite!).

But it is not easy - addictive behaviors are notoriously hard to overthrow - as every smoker, over eater, gambler, shopaholic and so on knows. Cell phone dependency is just another in a long list of addictive "pleasures" or "conveniences" that we can unthinkingly overwhelm our children with. And as hard as it is for an adult to resist the lure of cell phone culture, think how much harder it is for a teenager who has not yet fully incarnated into his "I" sense (in anthroposophy we understand that the "I" does not fully incarnate into the individuality until the age of 21).

My sons are not as totally swamped by teen culture as some youngsters are - not by a long shot. They know nothing of the cliques and peer pressure and media-cult dominated life that many teenagers here in America suffer under. And so when I am horrified by the inroads cell phone use has made in my 16 year old's life, I can't help but gasp when I consider what is "normal" for most teens - and children younger than that - in this country. Gabriel's experience is mild compared to most. I won't catalogue all the excesses of cell phone use in children and teens. But I will ask the question - are parents giving serious consideration to the effect that cell phone use has on children and teens as they move into the most socially vulnerable time of their lives? Are people really thinking about the effect on how children meet one another, soul to soul? Are they thinking about the effect of cell phones on concentration, on inner quiet, on the ability to not merely react but to consider and reflect?

Please parents - think carefully before you let your child have a cell phone. It is actually possible to say "no" to such things. Maybe by 16 or 17 a teen should have a cell phone so he or she can use it and a parent can support them as they find a healthy relationship to its use. But before? Beware.

A Job for Samuel

Sometimes it can be so easy for parents of young children to forget how simple it actually is to keep them engaged and pleasant to be with. During Advent I was at my Church helping before the Advent spiral. Some parents arrived quite early - among them a father with a 6 year old boy I shall call Samuel. One look at the way Samuel strode through the doors of the Church and I knew that here was a little boy who needed to be kept active by adults. Otherwise, he, clearly not a child to stand quietly next to Daddy while everyone assembled, would find his own diversions - which might not be suitable for the occasion or the place we were in.

Sure enough, Daddy found some adults to talk to and Samuel drifted off. I watched him as he inspected the seasonal decorations (fine, no problem). Then he looked around. I could see the wheels in his head turning - "what can I do?" He went over to the Children's Room which was actually closed at this time, opened the door and helped himself to a large truck to propel himself about on. Along with being an activity which did not help foster the kind of peaceful watchfulness that the coming Advent spiral procession required, Samuel was also winding himself up, not down. This is common in children (especially boys it seems) who while needing useful activity to keep their limbs moving and their will-senses thus satisfied, usually choose activities which heighten their restlessness. To me this is a clear cry for adult help. I could see Samuel was getting agitated.

Meanwhile Dad was clearly trying to decide whether to ignore his son or to rein him in. He would occasionally go over to him and shhh him or mildly suggest he put away the truck - and then limply wander back to chat with his friends. None of this  of course had any effect on Samuel who continued to drive his truck, now edging closer and closer to both people and furniture. He was clearly in need of firm adult intervention.

So I intervened. My philosophy of life includes treating all children who come within my range as my own. Not all parents appreciate this - though I have never met a child who hasn't. So I walked over to Samuel and said "It's time to park your truck in its parking spot. Come." and I walked toward the Children's Room. Samuel of course followed and parked his truck. "Let's close the door - it's almost time for the Advent spiral and this room needs to be closed." He did so. Then I said - and this is the most important part - "I need a helper. Come." And we walked back to where I had been observing the proceedings, by the front door of the Church where I was welcoming parents and children as they arrived.

"Your job is to open the door for people when they come and then to shut it behind them" I said to Samuel. Samuel, a boy of many noises but few words, obliged. I looked out the window which he couldn't reach in the door and then I'd say things like "Ok get ready here come some people....open!" We had a great time. During a lull we also inspected the crack in the door and speculated whether he could see out or if it was only big enough to let cold air in.

As for Dad, he gave me a big smile at one point when he saw how usefully and contentedly engaged his son was. It was a win-win situation. Samuel, who needed to be active was engaged in a socially useful, peaceful and needed task thus calming him and satisfying him, and Dad could visit with his friends. And the Church had a very helpful doorman!

Be creative when your young child is "playing up". He or she is expressing their need to be active. But random unformed activity is not the solution - children who scream and run about aimlessly do not find satisfaction from such activity. Activity is key in the first 7 years - but it needs to be grounded, centered and formed. It needs boundaries, whether the boundaries of a game or the boundaries of a job or task. And the more "out there" a child is, the more this is so. This is the heart of discipline for young children - and the heart of living in a peaceful way with them. It is the way of health and calm. And it needs to be anticipated - Samuel was basically quite a centered little boy and so it was not hard to divert him. But other children are not so inwardly calm and once they spiral out it can be very difficult to rein them back in and to divert them to a formed activity. One must  - as with most things in parenting - be several steps ahead and think through the various parts of one's day with thoughts of how one's child will best move through each part of the day. Having strong forms and rhythms always helps - we always brush our teeth before bed, we always sit at the table for snack, we always push in our chairs and take our plates to the sink - and so on. That is the basis at home. And when you go out? Lion cubs always sit in their car seats. When we get to the park, the lions need to run, run, run to the park bench and then wait for Mama Lion to catch up. Mama always pushes the shopping cart and Junior always put the fruit and veggies into bags. Keep 'em busy - imaginatively and actively engaged!

Do consider purchasing our audio recording on discipline or other recordings about parenting young children if this resonates with you and you need further guidance.

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Homemaking & Personal Development Study

Beginning Monday 15 February 2010, I will lead a study on the Christopherus online discussion forum focused on personal development for homemakers.

I am excited to offer this opportunity because becoming conscious of one's personal development in relation to one's role as a homemaker is a key component to creating a calm, well ordered and healthy homelife for one's family.

Anthroposophy has much to offer seekers interested in their own spiritual development and I am pleased to have found a new book by Veronika van Duin which arises out of her own journey as an anthroposophist and homemaker. We now sell this book in our Bookstore - to join our study you need to have a copy!

This study is open to all with an interest in exploring how anthroposophy can help them on their path of self development as a homemaker.